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Why Not Intermarry
One of You Isn’t Jewish. Can your love for each other conquer all?
Courtesy of www.aish.com
There's a video put out by the Reform Movement of America. It's a real-life documentary depicting a series of group therapy sessions for intermarried couples, designed to help them deal with the unique issues of intermarriage.
In this video, a Jewish woman says: "Our marriage was going smoothly until the birth of our baby boy. I was thrilled and wanted to arrange for a Mohel to do the circumcision. My husband thought I was crazy! He said, 'I won't allow that bloody, barbaric cult ritual!' We're supposed to be celebrating the birth of our child -- and instead we we're having a terrible fight! He finally agreed to the Bris, but said, 'I'm sure you'll understand when I take the baby to be baptized.' I was shocked. Now I'm not sure our marriage is going to survive.
Then, the video shows these couples -- none of them religious -- describe how the major obstacle in their marriage is the issue of Jesus. We don't always realize it, but belief in God is an essential part of our identity. Do you find the idea of praying to Jesus repulsive? Do you know that in the mind of your future spouse, Jesus is the ultimate image of yearning for spiritual transcendence? It's engrained from Day One -- the same way that your Jewish imagery is engrained.
Egon Mayer, a professor at Brooklyn College who studies interfaith issues and published a study linking intermarriage with higher divorce rates, said in USA Today: "When you bury something that is really important to you, all you're doing is building up a kind of pressure within the family relationship, which becomes a source of tension, which ultimately becomes a time bomb. If there's any reason why intermarriages break up, it's because of that time bomb."
And it goes beyond this. Often the in-laws exacerbate these problems by putting pressure on the intermarried couple. Esther Perel, a therapist who counsels inter- faith couples, says in New York Magazine: "The difference isn't just between Moses and Christ. You're dealing with issues of money, sex, education, child-rearing practices, food, family relationships, styles of emotional expressiveness, issues of autonomy -- all of these are culturally embedded."
And what about having children? Many intermarried couples say: "We're going to let our children choose their own religion. When they grow up they can choose what want. That way they'll get the best of both worlds."
But the reality is that children of intermarried couples suffer an identity crisis. One set of grandparents has a Christmas Tree, the other a Chanukah menorah. It's very confusing for a young person trying to forge an identity in an already-complex world. Children need to know who they are. They need to have a solid, unambiguous identity which gives them a place in the world. They need a spiritual tradition through which to experience lifecycle events, and to have a community where they feel at home.
Psychologists report that many "dual-religion" children express a great deal of anger at their parents for putting them in the middle of an issue that the parents themselves could not resolve. When a person has to choose one religion over the other, there is always the unconscious sense of choosing one parent over another. (The fact is that 92 percent of children of intermarriage marry non-Jews, effectively detaching themselves forever from the Jewish people. That's simply the default choice in our predominantly non-Jewish society.)
But can you imagine if your son or daughter becomes a committed Jew or Christian? What will this child think of you, the Jewish parent? If he becomes a believing Christian, he'll think you're going to hell for denying the faith! And if he turns to Judaism, he'll regard you as a traitor for having intermarried!
And what about your own spiritual awakening? People who do not profess a belief in any particular religion often turn back to religion later in life. A Gallup Poll showed that religious commitment is lowest from age 18-39 -- precisely the time when people are making decision about who to marry. I have a folder of emails from intermarried people whose lives turned to horror when they (or their spouses) turned back to religion. The issues become insurmountable.
This is not a guilt-trip. This is an issue of practical reality. It is a documented fact that intermarried couples have a higher divorce rate. Would you ever consider going into a business with a partner who carries a greater risk of failure?
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One more point: Why is it that through the centuries, our ancestors have endured the torments of exile, torture and ovens -- yet continued to remain loyal to the Jewish people?
Obviously Judaism must have provided them with some deep dividends. The values that the civilized world takes for granted -- monotheism, love your neighbor, peace on earth, justice for all, universal education, all men are created equal, dignity of the individual, the preciousness of life -- are all from the Torah. This is an enormous impact and we accomplished it under the most adverse conditions. Intermarriage threatens to make Jews an endangered species.
But there is no way to understand the deep riches of Judaism, with a 13-year-old's Hebrew School view. Before you make this most important decision of your life, I urge you to go to a class, a Shabbat experience, or visit Israel. Find out what's been driving the Jewish people to greatness the past 3,000 years! The easiest is to attend a Discovery seminar. It is an excellent presentation of Jewish history and philosophy -- and is given in hundreds of cities throughout the world. A current schedule is at http://discoveryseminar.org/Info/schedule.htm
Be sure to have the family jewels appraised before you sell them forever.
The truth is that every Jew has a deep loyalty to the Jewish people. When there is a terrorist attack in Israel, all Jews care. Are you willing to fight for the Jewish people? Then go find a Jewish spouse you can share this with! Your children will be Jewish and your married life will be free of liabilities. You deserve it all and you can have it all! I guarantee that your Jewish soul has a Jewish soul mate. There are many avenues to meet that match, and I would happy to suggest some ideas.
My advice is to try a separation from your friend and ask yourself this question: "Do I need to be married to this person to find happiness in life, and is it worth all the trouble of converting? Or would I be better off looking for someone else to marry?" Until you have done that trial separation, you do not have clarity about the right thing to do.
This article first appeared on www.aish.com and is reprinted with its permission
Sasson V’Simcha adds – if you have more questions about intermarriage, we recommend reading the book, Why Marry Jewish? by Doron Kornbluth (Targum/Feldheim Publishers, www.targum.com).
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