 |
In the Ballpark
When to Say “Yes” to a Shiudduch Suggestion
By Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M. Sc.
Two of the biggest challenges faced by daters and date-makers is knowing whether to make a suggestion for a shidduch and when to say “yes” to the suggestion. It’s demoralizing for daters to hear ideas for potential matches that seem so far off-base they can’t believe the person making the suggestions understands what they’re looking for. It’s even more frustrating to down a suggestion for someone whose qualities sound very different from what you’re seeking and then be accused of being too picky, or not serious about wanting to get married.
The person who came up with the idea for the match may wonder why someone who wants to get married has turned down their suggestion. They may think, “It seemed like a good idea to me. What did she have to lose by agreeing to go out…it’s just a cup of coffee.” Another person may think of an idea for a shidduch but hesitate to suggest the match, thinking. “They have a lot in common, but maybe he wants someone shorter.” Or, “On paper it looks great, but in my mind’s eye I can’t picture them together. “
Even though these difficulties are just some of the reasons why the process of setting people up is far from perfect, the fact is that most people first meet the people they will marry through an introduction. Nevertheless, the process can use some improvement. Here’s a suggestion that can help open up the field of potential candidates and at the same time eliminate those “players” who aren’t qualified. It can keep the “talent scouts” focused on finding the right “draft picks”. And it can help facilitate more successful mergers. We call this concept, “In the Ballpark.”
Two Things You Can’t Pre-Judge
The idea is simple….to make and accept ideas for shidduchim on the basis of a limited set of important criteria, and to leave the rest to the dating itself. In other words, don’t guess in advance whether personalities will go together or whether one person will like the other’s appearance. These are two criteria that people cannot pre-judge, because as much as they think they “know” what attracts or interests them or the person they are trying to set up, they can’t predict what will happen when two people meet face to face. That is the province of HaKodesh BaruchHu.
Ronni and Shana, who have been married for 10 years, decided to start dating after they met at a friend’s housewarming party. They had a number of friends on common and were guests at many of the same weddings, but none of their friends bothered to introduce them.
Even though Ronni and Shana were both bright and sincere, wanted to move to Israel, had similar religious outlooks, and were looking for a good-hearted person, none of their friends thought their personalities would go together. Fortunately, the Ultimate Matchmaker knew better.
Even though Abby wasn’t the “type” he was looking for, Judah allowed a persistent friend to persuade him to go out with her on a blind date. She seemed to have everything else on his short list except the tall, dark appearance he was attracted to. They had a pleasant time on their first date, and Judah asked Abby out again, even though he wasn’t overly enthusiastic about the way she looked. Their second date was even better than the first, and toward the end of the evening Judah looked at Abby and realized, “Wow, she really is a pretty girl!” Judah had become attracted to the blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman who became his wife, even though her “look” was very different than what he had believed would attract him.
When to Say "Yes"
The principle behind “In The Ballpark” is simple. You can’t know if someone is right for you until we see them as a whole person. It’s a good practice to try to find out if a suggested dating partner has the most important qualities you’re looking for, and if so, to decide to be flexible about everything else. You may discover that you’re really happy with the match, as you realize that the reasons you almost said “No” aren’t really that important in the overall scheme of things.
What do we mean by someone who is in the ballpark? It’s someone whose values, goals, lifestyle expectations, and direction in life are compatible with your own. It’s someone who has approximately four of the important personal qualities you are looking for in a spouse, and you can be comfortable with that person’s background and overall description.
Unless you have strong negative feelings about a personality trait (for example, not wanting someone who is boisterous) or a physical quality (such as a big difference in height or a significant issue with weight), we recommend that you not turn down a suggestion for reasons that may turn out to be irrelevant in the long run. Try to be flexible if the suggested person is a little taller, shorter, younger, older, balder, heavier, thinner, polished, unpolished, more frum, less frum, than your initial preference. We also suggest not rejecting a suggestion because of your vague sense that your personalities aren’t compatible or you won’t be attracted to them. You could be wrong.
It often takes two or three dates for personal and physical attraction to begin to develop. However, if you regularly reject suggestions about people who are in the ballpark, you may be depriving yourself of the opportunity to allow this to happen because you passed up the person who is right for you.
And what about those suggestions you receive that seem to be way out in left or right field? If they’re too far away from home plate, thank the person who suggests them for thinking of you and politely decline the offer. A “cup of coffee” with someone with whom you’ll never be able to forge a relationship wastes both of your time and chips away at your self esteem. Try to strike a balance between being more open-minded about the qualities you’re looking for in a mate, and being more discriminating about accepting offers when people don’t have those qualities.
Do you like this site? Sasson V’Simcha is a non-profit organization and relies on the support of
readers like you to help Jewish men and women achieve their goals of meeting the right person and building a successful marriage. Click here to make a tax-deductible donation to Sasson V’Simcha. |
