Top 5 Dating Myths
Like urban legends, they sound reasonable. But they're not.
Like urban legends, those stories that seem credible but have only a thread of truth running through them, our world is full of dating myths. They sound like they make a lot of sense, but they're not true. In fact, the misinformation promulgated by these myths keeps many people from dating productively. How many of these myths do you believe?
Myth #1 - The more people I go out with, the better chance I have of meeting Mr./Ms. Right.
This is a common attitude among people who have been dating for a short period of time. However, after a few years, this becomes a prescription for dating burnout. We'd prefer that daters be selective from the start of their dating careers and only say "Yes" to suggestions that seem to be in the ballpark.
It's better to date a few people who seem right "on paper" than dozens of people who sound "nice" but will never turn out to be a good match for you. Dating isn't a numbers game -- you are looking for one lifelong partner, not 100 cups of coffee.
Myth #2 - The smartest and prettiest women get married first.
Think of the many talented, intelligent, and beautiful single women who haven't yet found the right man to marry. Many of these women have happily-married friends who might be regarded as less attractive, intelligent or successful. But marriage-oriented dating isn't a contest where the "highest score" wins the prize. Hashem made a match for everyone -- rich or poor, short or tall.
A woman who is very accomplished or attractive may receive more offers for dates than some of her friends, but many of them may be not be suitable for her. She's focused on finding the man who's right for her, and the amount of time it may take doesn't bear any relationship to her beauty, intelligence, or talents.
Myth #3 - If there were more social events, I would have been married a long time ago.
Today, few marriages result from social "mega-events." Events that are designed to attract large numbers of singles have poor track records for bringing people together. Many attendees stay with the people they already know, and those who are more comfortable mixing may find the atmosphere too impersonal for any real conversation or follow through to take place.
Smaller-scale events like a Shabbos dinner or a game-night or lecture at someone's home are less-pressured venues to meet new people. These are even more effective when there are facilitators who introduce participants, involve them in discussions, and offer to do post-event follow-up.
Many people make the mistake of putting all of their eggs in one basket. There is no one perfect venue for meeting the right person. You do not know if the messenger who will facilitate your "match" is your best friend, the organizers of a weekend, your co-worker, a professional matchmaker, or your handyman. By taking advantage of many networking opportunities, you increase the possibility of meeting the person you're meant to marry.
Myth #4 - If you date a long time, it means you really know what you're doing.
Sometimes, as the audience waits for a Sasson V'Simcha program to begin, a dater will say, "What are they going to tell me that I don't already know? I'm an expert on dating!" Often, that same person will approach the presenter afterward and say, "You have a different perspective that I didn't consider. If I was the 'expert' on dating that I thought I was, I wouldn't be struggling as much as I am now. I don't like to admit it, but there are a few things about myself and the way I've been dating that I need to change."
We encourage anyone who's been dating for a while to adopt one new concept, or an idea they've heard before but haven't yet tried, and to use that as a basis for changing their dating practices.
Myth #5 - If things don't click on the first date, we're probably not right for each other.
There are good reasons to decide not to go on a second date, but "we didn't click" isn't one of them. It often takes a few dates to start to connect, or to realize you're attracted to each other and would like to continue. That's why it's a good idea to agree to a second date, or even a third one, if the first meeting is o.k. or better. Here are good reasons to say, "No, thank you" to a second date:
you don't have compatible values and goals
you want different things out of life
you have a strong distaste for your date's personality or appearance
it is physically and/or emotionally difficult for you to sit through the date because you're so different
you feel very uncomfortable, or unsafe, with your date
It's virtually impossible to know if a person is right for you on the first date. An immediate connection may not last, and a great relationship may start very slowly. If that first date is "parve" or better, go out again and see what happens.